Cancer Was My Spiritual Teacher

As a Kundalini Yoga practitioner, I increasingly view my life experiences through a spiritual lens, as opportunities for soul growth and learning. So when I was diagnosed with cancer more than a decade ago, I found myself on a very powerful spiritual journey, one that led me to confront the temporary nature of this life and all aspects of myself very deeply.

The dominant discourse about cancer that I heard from family, friends, and the world around me (to keep fighting, to be a survivor) felt narrow and insufficient to describe my experiences. I knew that, instead of fighting part of myself (those bad cancer cells were clearly part of me), acceptance was going to be critical throughout the journey. I also had the growing feeling that surviving was not the most important or only goal, but that this experience was given to me for the development of my soul in this lifetime.

From the other end of this journey, I can say that cancer has been a most powerful spiritual teacher. Here are a few of the priceless lessons that I have been taught so far:

1. Suffering is a choice. 

Many times in yoga class, just when we were tired, in pain, and wishing the exercise would end very soon, the instructor would say, “Suffering is a choice.” Through her guidance, I eventually learned to accept pain and move through the discomfort in kriyas and meditation. Little did I know how useful this training would be in dealing with cancer! 

Just the mere word cancer stirs fear, sympathy, and avoidance of all sorts, not to mention the actual physical discomforts of the disease and its treatment by Western medicine. Through all of this, I found that I could always choose to suffer and indulge myself in unending pity parties (This nausea is so awful; I wish it would stop. Will they find more cancer in my body? Will this treatment be painful? Will I ever be able to do the things I want to do?) OR I could choose to accept the experiences I was having, the fear and uncertainty, and the physical discomfort and be as present as possible with all of these. 

All of these different kinds of suffering are, at their core, attachment, and I learned very clearly that attachment to the temporary, or maya, leads to separation and suffering. When I was afraid or angry or hurting, I could not reach the divine in myself. But when I could accept whatever I was experiencing in the moment, I was suddenly not separated, and I could experience oneness, peace, and even joy, no matter what was happening to my physical body.

2. The body is temporary. 

Cancer forced me to confront the very real fact that this physical body is impermanent, my own mortality. Whether or not I survived this round of cancer, my body will surely die at some point. And if this body is to be used and discarded, how, then, might I best deal with it? 

Yogic teachings tell me that the body is a vehicle for the soul, existing to carry the soul through this lifetime so the soul can learn its lessons and work toward becoming liberated. Through cancer, I learned to see the larger picture. I learned to care for and value my body as a vehicle that enables me to experience this lifetime, but also to focus on my soul and the real purpose of this incarnation. While I heal, nurture, and protect my body because it is a sacred vessel, I do that in service of my spirit, so that this body may not be wasted, but contribute to the growth of my soul.

3. I am whole, even though my physical body is missing some parts. 

One of my greatest initial fears was that surgical removal of parts of my system would prevent me from balancing my energies, blocking my spiritual progress. I was ultimately forced to trust and be open to the results. 

I found that my fears were again unfounded. The work I did to heal from and through cancer led to even greater wholeness that I had experienced before with those parts intact! It was as if cancer was only part of myself that was screaming, trying to get my attention. When I could hear and listen to those parts, and give them what they needed, I could incorporate them and their lessons. Because of this I became more integrated and authentic, more whole. I learned that wholeness is not based in the physical. No matter what I have lost, no matter what scars I carry, my soul can never be broken. In spirit, I am always whole.

4. All is one. 

In this tradition, I was taught that though we have ten bodies, they are all one; all the bodies are interdependent and connected. For example, illness can be reflected in the aura, and can have many origins. In my meditation, journaling, and work with my own cancer, I discovered that it had origins in old emotional experiences and parts of myself that I had blocked off. Being fully present with these painful experiences and releasing them helped to heal my physical body as well as my other bodies. Truly, I could access and heal my illness from any of my ten bodies, and healing was most powerful through multiple levels at once. 

On another level, I found that others were deeply affected by my attitude toward my cancer and my journey. As I was not isolated from the universe, I was also not experiencing cancer in isolation; the people around me were all part of this experience as well. When I spoke to them authentically about my understandings, experiences, and divinely-provided courage, they were inspired to think about cancer in other ways. As I was being taught by cancer, so others were taught by watching me go through it.

5. We are not alone. 

Through this illness, I learned that I am not isolated in the universe or any part of it. Many people prayed powerfully for me, and I could feel it. At the points in my journey when I might have felt most alone, facing surgery, tests, and treatments, the rooms were so filled with loving presences, that there was absolutely no room for fear! Time and time again the divine spoke to me directly through the mouths of others, with messages that often hit me like a ton of bricks, uplifted me, and reminded me who I am.

After surgery and radiation treatment, I had to depend on the grace of others to feed and care for me and my family. This was not an easy lesson for me, but one that I am certain I was to learn from cancer. When people sent prayers and came with food, flowers, and well-wishes, the hands reaching out to me were God’s own hands. Their love was divine love, and it was offered freely for me to accept; all I had to do was learn to receive. If it were not for cancer, I would not know how much God loves me. 

6. The answer is always inside. 

When I was first diagnosed with cancer, I simply could not believe the amount of advice I received. The things I had to do, foods I had to eat, healers that I had to see, etc., etc. My head was spinning! I could easily have followed all of these instructions out of fear, and early on I tried exactly that. I searched every tradition for answers and followed prescriptions from numerous practitioners, relatives, and friends.

When this became overwhelming, I began to recognize that I was wildly flailing out of fear and confusion. When I could see this desperation for what it was, I saw through the grasping and began to listen to my own inner and higher selves. This direction from within was clear, focused, and quiet. I knew what I had to do, and I could be true to myself even in the face of cancer and all that pressure.

7. Attitude of gratitude. 

As I was enclosed in a tiny room by myself, being “dosed” with radiation at the hospital, I was filled with bliss and realized that I am very blessed. Radiation is a blessing! Being treated for cancer is a blessing! I can now see how each and every experience on my journey with cancer was lovingly arranged to support, heal, and teach me.

You may not believe this, and most look shocked when I dare say it aloud, but cancer has been the greatest learning experience of my life, and I would not take it back if I could. Every morning as I recite Japji, I am reminded that “So many endure distress, deprivation and constant abuse. Even these are Your Gifts, O Great Giver!” The experience of cancer has helped me to truly know that all of this life is a gift, everything we might call good or bad, painful or ugly, beautiful or blissful. Every single experience is a gift, and when I am grateful for all these gifts, I am able to receive so many more.                                             

All of us will experience great challenges of different types in life, and the only things within our control are how we think about and respond to these situations, as misery to be endured or as lessons that contribute to our soul’s ultimate growth and progress. I found the latter perspective to be a position of great strength and empowerment from which to face cancer, and, because of that experience, I am committed to looking at and facing my further challenges in the same way. I recommend it to you too, and you might even try it out on smaller challenges you face to see what a difference it makes. If you should find yourself face to face with a very powerful teacher in your life, whether or not that may be cancer, I pray that you can be fully present for the journey and be open to all of the powerful lessons it will bring. May your every experience empower you and draw you even closer to Source! Sat Nam.